please click the image above for wooden thomas index

~haywooden
~haywooden

Since the middle of the 90's, strange surreal sounds have been emanating from an apartment in New Jersey. 4-track recording artist, song-writer and creator of visual ambrosia Wooden Thomas has been producing these tender yet dark glimpses into the mind, heart and soul of a ferret. Following are self-made album covers and notes on each song. mp3s are soon to come...maybe next time you are here!

- bill bniblet



This "musician" escaped from a both mental facililty and the Coast Guard to record his "songs" but then he was turned to wood in a BICYCLE ACCIDENT!!!

- Mykl

His albums include:

Subconscious Garage Sale (1996)

Subconscious Garage Sale {1996}

SUBTITLE: An acustic guitar in a folk clasical melloncholy ,wooven with a semi out of tune broken trumpet.This song has been aired on wfmu and on Philladelphia pirate radio.There is a video for this one starring Cecilia Messiano as the disapearing dead woman at the top of the steps.it was directed by Wooden Thomas and filmed by Brandon Garretson.

LILLIAN'S BIKE: A reverberised lizard shaped whistle whirls through the intro.The dulcimer break in the middle is spliced in.

JAPANESE SOLGIER: Written in Brooklyn,a song for a goast, a freind,reincarnated.There are few songs where W.T. is actualy playing known cords,this is one of them {F-Aminor-E-Eminor}

LEARN ME HOW TO SCREAM: These lyrics were published in the book "Coo Coo Loco"in 1996 ,a collection of writings by various mentaly challenged Poets compiled by Cassandra Stark Mele.

THE SOAP OPERA STARLET'S DEATH: A dulcimmer, a bass, some ringing wine glasses and a story of a soap opera starrlet found dead.

MEET: A spoken introduction.Two acustic guitars chime together along with a backward voice and a forward speaking Wooden Thomas as well.

BROKEN FLAME: One of Wooden Thomas's first four track recordings when he borrowed Shawn Goodwin's Tascam porta 2 early 96.Lyricly gloomy yet possitive like the morning after a party .A hand held recorder was used for backing vocals.

OLD BOOK: Inspired by a picture of Carol Van Dijk,A jug band type of -up beat -off beat -fantasy taking place in Ansterdam .Tim {Phineus T.}Johnson lends his golden voice .

WINDOW SILL: This is a folk song that even Burl Ives would have appreciated,.....no wait.....he would'nt have liked it.

I,King OF IDIOTS: There is also a slower version with slightly different lyrics titled "I Idiot King"{Unreleased}.Every time it rained the lyric was worked on from the year 1987 till the day it was recorded in '96.It was also raining that day .The result is a little crammy ,but it works.

SPERMWHALES: Inspired by a photo of a female rock star Who was standing on train tracks.{A known fetish of Wooden's along with women with lawn mowers and women with extravigant NOSES}-It being a fantasy taking place at an N.J. shore town.

P.S.A.: A public service anouncement?.....A Rant?....possably...A run on sentance? hmmmmm...probably,,,,grmmaticly,yes.

Impotent Steeple (1997)
Impotent Steeple {1997}

MOON FOLLOWS: When this was recorded it had snowed two feet.Kaliopi and I were out side in a car fooling around as W.T. lay on the floor upstairs inside singing and whispering about spring and summer and the moon.His guitar was in a new fuct up tuning.I played piano on this song on a separate track two mounths later.

LOCHNESS: A water pump can be heard on track three,one of those old lake house well- water pumps.It was recorded with a hand held tape recorder and used as a percusion track on this tribute to the Lochness monster and it's paralel with the universal subconscious mind.

Note Moon Follows and Lochness flow into each other with no stoppage in between the songs.

NO CHORUS: Linda called in the middle of this vocal take.You can hear the phone ring in the middle of it !It was left it in.It was kind of a song about her anyway Wooden said.

GIANT EYED PRINCESS: A visual and folkloreic tale.The electric guitar sounds acustic here.It trades of verses with the actual acustic.Wine glasses and rain add cool demention.

P.T.JOHNSON: Who is Phinius T. Johnson, and why is his voice cutting in on my vocal performance?He and I used to live together breifly on Barnum Island where P.T. Barnum kept all his circus eqipment way back early this century.

THOSE RATS: Linda's mom kept giving her nightmares about rats.So W.T. wrote this to help rid her of those rats.Jay Gilbert plays Bass and percusion and looping keyboard.

SOLIPSISTIC: A siren in heard from outside during the guitar intro. A cheesy hypnotist is heard telling you, "My mind is completely at ease." These lyrics are visually intense and completely ridiculous.

SNOW ANGEL:Butterflys escapeing,flowers existing.When you lower the stairs I wish to come up there.Vacuum cleaners falling,comunion is calling Icey rain is melting into your eyes.Lazy snow angel a baby stegasaurus is grazing around you.I'm feeling kind of jelous now I climb up into the airship,in the now,is a bridge.Oh won't you go to dinner with me before we explode.Could it be volcanic ash or,are parts of you falling?all around,all around falls snow!Cosmic junk in the backyard making sickly sounds,Oh let me up there.I don't want to see it from the ground anymore.Let down the stairs that fold out so slow ,your hair smells like gold.I'd never let you down,to the floor .SNOW ANGEL!I climb into you.you're falling all around ,allaround ,mooo ,e moo.C*cross eyed music 1997.

SWAMPLAND:The sample in this one is great. An old phonograph record fetureing music box songs and chimes. The lyric"Star shaped soup in her eyes"and"The bright lit red and lazers on your sneaker treads"augment the aura of hangin' out in the dark swampland with a cool chick.

LUCY WEBB: I found out later that Lucy Webb was the name of a real person. She was Millard Fillmore's First Lady or something. To me, she is Wooden Thomas's swamp woman, naked and wild.

U TURN: With his voice loaded unnessessarily with reverb some funny dark and romantic words are sung.This song was left OFF of all versions of Impotent steeple until the year 2k when it was put back on it.

SON OF EARTH: A vinyl record is skipping throughout this meandering, sketchy, but heartfelt nonsense.A Young au pair from Ohio named Suey Chewy ,and that IS her real name,who Wooden Thomas met when Ben Ross sold him her phone Number for 75 cents-is heard in the backround- sampled.. saying things like "So you watch me while I pray?"and "Totaly!"

SHARK DREAM: It wasn't supposed to sound so 'punk'. Bill Bniblet on percussion.Bil and a young Wooden T.J. used to be in a duo together in the early 80's called the Knights of Chaos,here the duo jams again over a decade later.

HOOKED ON MARY: The title was invented by Tia Sprocket. The lyrics came from that title's idea, Mother Mary having the fervor of rock-star infatuation.
The voice of Margaret Attwood is heard during the 'outro' from a tape of her reading her poetry.

Seven Beers in Tibet (1998)
Seven Beers in Tibet (1998)

WONDER TRACTOR: Wooden layed his head back into Julie Spodek's lap.She held the mic over his head as W.T. with guitar sang up into it.Later on track 3 Julie sang back up.The lyric has a subtle reference to "you can't always git what you want"See if you can find it.

SPATULA: A longer version of this song was attempted many times but it was too dragged out and messy.Thank the muses for this clean and conscice rock version ,it tells the story briskly in under three minutes.

SKINK: Lyrics Wooden thought up while washing windows for Delsandro Window Cleaning company.John Herzog was living with Wooden Thomas at the time this was recorded.John liked the song so much that he later bought two SKINKs for his children later that year.

MOSQUITOS DRANK MY SOUL: Written in Madison N>J>'s public library. The importance of keeping your scence of humor when depressed is exampled here.Ben Ross on accordian.

HEY DAWN: Only two tracks were used in Hey Dawn,exept there is another track that comes in during the word "cow".There is also a long 7 minute version with different lyics{unreleased}called "Hey Dawn book 2".Whick is part of 'Casa Musualagos'{bat house in spanish}which was 45 minute acustic rant from '97.

RAKE; A very autumnal song litteraly.melodicly flat,Includes the lyric,'Careful with that Rake Cathleen'...Yes Virginia there is a Pink Floyd.You will never be able to tell where the tape was spliced!

BORE IN SUN: The shortest Wooden Thomas song to date aprox. 30 sec.It is a haiku about the outcast and ailianation one suffers being mentaly unstable,The Late John Defiore comes to mind.

LUCKY CARY;Written in Long Island, With references to old monster movies ,this is named after some one W.T. met a year and a half after it was written .Ben Ross is drumming on a metal bucket that Wooden is wearing on his head durring the vocal take. ....{!}

PROJECTOR: A song made up of a series of Hiaku's.Each one having nothing to do with the other.There is a banjo in there somewhere.

A GIRL RETURNED: From a dream about Jessica from Argentina.She is a sweet person,but the dream Wooden Thomas had about her was so scarry it made Conchi scream and hang up the phone when he told it to her in '97!

I FEEL PRETTY: Ed Wood and Wooden Thomas have alot in common and one of those things is that a hederosexual man can feel very comfortable,even closer to women, in womans clothing.Ed perfers angora ,Thomas ,silky lingerie.The electric guitar on track tree was recorded one night when Thomas came home Totaly smashed,I still think it sounds great.

BARK: Written the same day in succession with Mosquitos drank my soul,BARK features the toy Piano at it's finest use to date.These cords are simular to the one's Wooden is playing on 'Wonder Tractor'one of them is a C,Oh well ..it happens.

DAUGHTER OF DRAGON: Imageine a sing along at an old Irish pub,with a bunch of old Irish men,lifting their glasses into the air and all drunkenly singing THIS!

GOODBYE EVIL : Good obsessions are fun,like the one Wooden Thomas had for the Bangles back in the late 80's ,before he was Wooden Thomas.Bad obsessions are destructive,they suck your energy ,in fact they can be disabilitating.So always remember to take vitamins and eat right!...exersise and get enough sleep,SLEEP,sLeEp,.Meditate if you know how and AVOID HARD DRUGS!ESPECIALY PERSCRIPTION DRUGS!This is how to TRUELY GET RID OF YOUR DEMONS!!Someone please tell Daniel Johnston that.....SLEEP ,sleep,SlEeP.

"Hell's Answer"; IS SHE GOD?IS SHE HELL'S ANSWER?...TO MOTHER THERESA ?IS SHE A DEMON?

WITH A LONG NECK ,DOWN AN ESCULATOR.HER HAIR IS BOUNCY ,SHE MUST BE THE GIRL FROM THE SHAMPOO COMERCIAL I BET.

IS HER ATTRACTION TO ASURE PROCREATION?IS HER SOUL AVAILABLE FOR A DATE? DOES HER FLESH HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE? DOES SHE KNOW SHE'S THE DEVILS MARIONETT?A NET FULL OF JELLO IN TIBET?

TO WHICH SPIRIT DOES THAT BODY BELONG?SHE MIGHT SEE GOD IN MY EYES BUT DOES SHE KNOW?I'ZE GOT'S DE DEVIL IN MY TOUNGUE,OH WHY SHE RUN DOWN THAT ESCULATOR? HER HAIR MIGHT GET CAUGHT ON THAT LAST STEP THEN WE MIGHT WATCH HER DISAPEAR PROBABLY WON'T SEE HER LATER

IS SHE GOD?IS SHE HELLS ANSWER TO MOTHER THERESA?

{c*1997 ,cross eyed music} *Seven Beers in Tibet,fetures exerpts from 'Casa Musualagos'through out it's duration.The exerpts are short,from 20 to 50 seconds..Casa Musualagos is a 45 minute melloncholie rant recorded on Sept 25 1997.
8 of these songs were recored in 1998.

and, now available...
Free Model Plane Inside (1999)


Born to a cranberry farmer, in a cranberry bog, in South Jersey, father unknown, although he is believed to be T.J.K. Haywood, who escaped a mental facility in 1969 to join the Coast Guard, which he also fled.

This underwater birth in the Pine Barrens to a very sexy mama, not looking unlike Sheryl Crow, produced this folk singer, Wooden Thomas.

The musician claims that a bicycle accident on May 4th, 1990 resulted in his entire body being turned into wood.

He cannot speak much English or any other language, but loves to write and record his "songs" on a 4-track recorder.

UnFAQ's:

Does Wo0deN +h0mAs have a RESUME'?

A;YES:

1985;public radio debut.Wm.Berger had a young Wo0dEn +h0mas play live over the phone.The song,"Inspired by live"was a tribute to the Bangles.A recording by Jock and Toll was aired on lo-fi that same year it was a bad song called new toy .But the show lo-fi was about the Intimacy of home recording and the naked truth and getting played on the radio!so it did'nt matter.

1986;Wm.Berger air's The Modern Day Carpetbaggers on his WFMU radio show 'Lo-Fi'.The songs,"Good Sperm/Mr Tapeworm","Pastoral Existance',and 'Year of the Happy Cat' umung others by the Modern Day Carpetbaggers were aired on that weekly show.The Knights of Chaos recording "What am I Supposed to Do"feturing a 17 year old WoOden +h0mAs on guitar{wired on coffee}and a 17 year old Bil Bniblet of Twilight Headquarters{.com} on vocals was aired on Lo-Fi 1985.

1987;The Bloody Snowmen play NY's ABC no Rio.At the Odd Core Matinee.There Wooden took frount stage with Irish tin whistle and roasted everyone in the audience as Tim Johnson skreeched away on violyn while the late John Difiore played sax and some jazzy drums.Video of the show exists.

87';The Bloody Snowmen play The Five minute Forum,a Queen's College television project.WoOdEn painted on to a canvas with tubes of paint as the rest of the band wreeked Havack .The host ,Jack Walsh proceeded to interveiw the band after the noise fest.When asked what with the painting?the future WoOden +homas replyed"I'm tanslating the music for the deaf....the deaf on acid"video of the show exists.

1988;The Modern Day Carpetbaggers play WFMU live on the Hip Bone show with Wm. Berger.This was the Halloween show{two days late}.Featuring the future wOodEn tHom@s on anything BUT guitar!The Three cousins that comprise the folky zaney band returned to the air in April '89.

Later in '89 Cousin Johnny Giordano and Wooden T played another radio show.This time with WFMu's late great TKF{Terry Folger}Who had also played the Oddcore Matinee in 87.The show was a 4th of July extavaganza featuring Jet Screamer and TKF and There WoOden met John Schnall,{now of http://www.Quality-schnallity.com}.

Terry Folger,John Schnall and WoOden +hom@s had a future in radio together for sure,they would go on to form the comedic and whimsical radio show Every Five Minutes in 1992/93 on WFMU.Hours upon hours of the show exists on tape.The sounds of E5M would mke a groovy subsitute for sound effects to eek out on your frount porch on Halloween.

In the fall of '89 Folger,Schnall.and the future w0oDen th0Mas performed together in "Van Gelder"which was Terry's band ,@t the ExFuneral home in NyC.Terry had Wooden play a variety of toy instuments that he kept in a shopping bag.There was a certain protest going on that night about the right to burn the American flag as a freedom of speech.People were handing out flags to burn.They had little American flags on toothpicks and attendees were burning them as a statement as well.WoOden th0Mas anouced to the audience that he "would never burn the American flag" nor "piss on the grave of Betsy Ross"that night ,just to rebel against rebelion.The three Jersey boys were lucky because the Manhatan cable T.V. show"Young Gifted and Broke"had their cameras there that night and did film the entire show although they were not there for them they were there to film Jolly Remy.video exists{somewhere}

1990;The Modern Day Carpetbaggers are featured on a compilation album {that was released on Vynal only}called "The Phoaming Edison Tapes"the album featured Shimmy disc recording artists Uncle Wiggly{who's 1991 release "Across the room and Into your Lap"features an Album cover design by WooDen ThOmas and T.J.K.Haywood}.Homestead records recording artist Smack Dab is also on the record and both of their albums,'Queen Crab'1993 and 'Majestic Root'1994 feature cover art by Wo0dEn +hom@s.Fly Ashtray and the Gamma Rays,as well as Van Gelder,Jolly Remy and Azailia Snail are also featured on the Phoaming edison Tapes.

1990 was also the year of the bicycle accident that turned T.J.K. into wood.Going "solo" is like masturbation , Your own Imagination is king.Wooden Thomas is "born".

MORE RESUME soon.

C*wooden +homas-2000,cRoSs eyEd muSiC.

,Tall she is.On a grassy knoll she is. she is Tall.

Warm and leggy she stands.Flypaper she dangles .Skyscrapers she claims are all made of candy rock sugar"yuk".

When I was sick at the age 0f twelve,I saw a glass of water on a nightstand.The summer moon light intervaled by venician blinds.Oh Epiphany,what else could I have possably named you?Your brain waving lips knew I would not fully understand,my eyes grew giant.Now I do, I understand..Where are you now Oh Tooth Fairy of Bliss and merryment?

wooden{wu*d-n}1:made or consisting of wood.2:lacking ease or flexibility,awkwardly stiff.3:Dence,stupid,unimaginitive.4.a person who does not know how to dance/span; de ' madreda ..a wooden actor/.-woodenly, adv-woodeness/-n-nes/n.

Clouds hold the future.Hold the future,Hold it,hold the mayonaise.Like in the Tarot, we see in Earth's shapely formless wondering white clouds pictures of Britney Spears,...well,I DO.

wooden thomas

free model plane inside,copywrite,Ninteen hundred and Ninty nine.

Wooden Thomas :guitars and vocals.

here below are his cerealistic cohorts in oder of appearance.

Some guy named Greg played piano on BLASPHEMOUS HEAD at the T.W.9.party near Poughkeepsi{pleasant Valley NY}. Jay Gillbert played slide guitar on QUATRAIN 1 and QUATRAIN 2[Nostradamus]and eSteve Blank played bass on those . Sue Sniblet played flute and vocals on GUMBALL MACHINE recorded in her sexy basement in Philadelphia. MEET OUR GUEST PART ONE contains samples from the movie "The Elephant Man"writen by Eric Bergren,Christopher Devore and David Lynch and features the voices of Anthony Hopkins,Hannah Gordon and John Hurt. On MEET OUR GUEST {parts two and three} is the voice of who is beleived to be Mary Oridge from a tape found in the trash in frount of a baptist church in Madison. Monica Scavenger serves Mr Kiernan another cup of tea on MEET OUR GUEST PART TWO while James"Phoaming Edison"Kavousi plays drums. Bil Bniblet's recitefull voice is featured on RIDING INSIDE,He also plays some great conga drum on FIONA APPLE ANTI CHRIST . Tim Melia's percusive style can be heard on WALKING A SHEEP mostly durring the chorus. Tim Johnson did'nt do shit. James Kavousi plays electric guitar and drums on OVER THE CREEK and bass on BACK WHERE I MET ANGEL both recorded at RubUlad studio in Brooklyn. The cute little voice of my nephew Thomas Paul Kiernan is heard at the end of FOR BEN ROSS. Wm.Berger plays bass and keyboard on DARTHY VADER. Holly of Troy sings BLASPHEMOUS HEAD REPRISE.

All songs written by W.Thomas Kiernan exept the lyrics for the Nostradamus Quatrains and MEET OUR GUEST PART ONE.All songs recorded in Madison NJ in the T.K.Folger wing at 2 Elmer st.Exept where noted. Thanks to All those candid micro cassette recorded people who ever they are .Especialy the Trapper of Fearies from the Renisaunce Festival in Tuxedo NY . Please come see the Wooden Thomas Diaries ,Bio ,and Gallery on the World Wide Web {woodenthomas.com}. P.S.I sincerely thought that Blaire Witch Project was funny.....It WAS suposed to be funny was'nt it? Yamaha 400$ 4Track recorder as endorsed by wooden thomas:"It's okay".

=====
http://www.angelfire.com/pq/whoanelly/woodenthomas.html

__________________________________________________
Do You Yahoo!?
Talk to your friends online with Yahoo! Messenger.
http://www.biosci.ohio-state.edu/~acarolog/tickgone.htm

Ina Motel warm and clean and stail.I hear a song muffled from the other side of the wall.A song from the 50's about dreamin' oh yeh,oh -oh -Oh yeh baby oHOOOOOOO!!!!Yes! Yes YEEEESS!!!

I've never been so God damn all alone!


SPATULA{from seven beers in tibet}
She held a Spatula in the backyard.There's going to be a huge firey explosion,I must escape from the barn ,she held a psychology book at her arm ,a look in harms way,I must escape from the barn,I must escape from the lepperchaun.The propane tank,is emotionaly over loaded theres going to be a huge FiReY ExPlOsIon! I must escape from the barn...I must escape from the lepperchaun.oh look me in the arm ,she spoke,she held a spatula in the back yard....

c*1998 ~ cross eyed music.

Digital video artist Steve Blank is currently studying Wooden Thomas as a subject.

W.T. is in good care. The nurse, Sue Sniblet, says that Tom hates fluorescent light and any other ceiling light over his head. Redundant noises such as popular techno and rap make him very upset. He loves chocolate and fish, bulk style green tea, and has not been to the dentist in 17 years. If you see Wooden Thomas, please notify us. Let us know where you saw him, what he was wearing, if he stared at you or not, and if so in what manner, and above all, give him lots of love.

Thank you, and God bless,
Twilight Headquarters and Jersey Devil GraphiX

P.S. Click here to meet a Bnib.
the Nexus

~haywooden
~haywooden

Bird with dunce cap stands backward,looking up. s'got twisted feet from years ago workin the phone wires , gittin' people beleivin' wacka doo stories and such.

More stuff we received from wooden thomas:

we have been receiving many unexplained messages written in a style that is not unlike that of the wooden thomas. It is not in the grand vaporous tradition of Voff Slabinski, who travelled to Brazil on a sleigh and brought back news to the Roman Empire that there is this thing called "bossa nova" there, but I think you will find it tasty to peruse the following and decide for yourself what to think. Here goes: WELL HOLD YOUR HORSIES !THAT PARTY WAS FRIDAY NIGHT SORRY!i FUCT UP!It was a rave/tequno peice of shit with some wonder full people and great atmosphere.I like it because there I see my freinds and I like to meet people.But If some one I tipped off too coming to RubUlad acctualy came to that party I would've been Embarrassed.I hate techno it sucks.Why Why Why it's so shamefull that it was so crouded with stupid people and crouded it was. NEXT PARTY IT'S BACK TO ROCK AND/OR ROLL!!!!AS PROMISED IN JUST A COUPLE OF WEEKS....!!!!! CHICK BANDS ,CHICK BANDS AND MOOOOOORE CHICK BANDS!!!!!!.AND HOPEFULLY LESS PEOPLE.

05/04/2000, History of the Name"wooden thomas"
There is a difference between being possessed and being a host to a spirit. The former is a spiritual loss,one being in possession by a foreign entity. While the latter is a gain,depending on how the host handles it.Love grows,you start to care about your parasite spirit,like anyone who has a child,there is some loss of energy. Ten years ago on May 4th 1990,a young poet named Thomas Joseph Kiernan of Madison N.J. was riding a ten speed bicycle. In his mind pastel homes zoomed by as he lifted his feet and pedaled teetering his head left and right,whistleing ,la dee dah lah de da...ect... Suddenly a hearse backed out of a funeral home parking lot-the young musician did'nt see it at first-he avoided the emergeing vehicle quickly enough-but there was loose gravle.The bike slid and Thomas fell foward ,hitting his head and then rolling. The driver of the hearse ,Joe Chemi,went to see if the boy was okay:"I saw him see me,he lay there on the street,I saw his eyes,and I felt strange.He spoke to me with his mind like in 'the shining'saying something about my "boat"{?}I just freaked out and drove away fast." The poetry and lyrics of Thomas Kiernan changed that day,What happened?What changed his style?HIS NAME? We hope you find this web site infotaining and please SIGN THE DREAM BOOK and say hello.

Chickens are good.They are difficult to catch.In the ocean are chickens and you can see their heads poppin' up n' boppin' n' lookin' at ya. they are good .they fastly swim .seals are good!

?

"There are no sexier and more powerful ways that women can be seen photographically other than mowing a suburban lawn." That's what wooden thomas told a deli owner recently just out of the blue and you know if you think about it, HE'S RIGHT! Women with lawn mowers are the peak of the mountain when it comes to GODDESS POWER! SO PLEASE! If you find, or photograph for your self, any really good pictures of any beautiful women mowing the lawn, please send them along to:

email: wooden_thomas@yahoo.com

Fire in thee.Hollowed out name.Far from the porch where tinny radio plays.A sleeping cow grazing.Illuminated smile,WoWee! what great teeth she has!.Orange.Lit from the inside.Hallowed out bee thy name.And ye needth nuthin'.Shovelin' shouvlin'dirt in old black and white Hollywood .What'd ya know,It's raining!Invisable man lights a cigar.And near by a train falls on it's side,nighty night little tank engine,an orange blossom of flames shall blanket thee,and turn ye black ,nighty night,turned your back, night Tea nigghhhhhh t.





~haywooden
~haywooden

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