Age of Aquarium Dressed to Spill


Palms of Hoops
Compass (Let your heart be your)
Monkey Chow Mein
Wagon to Mars
Standing in the Ivy
Fiona Apple Anti Christ
She Snores
Ne'er Do Well

play the whole kitten kaboodle (mew)

Wooden Thomas Listening Party


This Album,(on the popular CD format) was composed and performed by a long forgotten man. If ye listen to the Opening lines of the song "Compass"(let your heart be your) You will learn that Wooden Thomas the artist and songwriter,was a Vaudvillian!

An entertainer from yesteryear who was cryogenicly frozen in the year 1919. The folk artist according to the lyric was "released from suspended animation" sometime in the early 90's. This is very much his "comeback"effort. As Historian Irwin Hovakim noted; "back in the Palisades, Wooden Thomas would mezmerise a crowd He'd be blowing bubbles from his mouth using nothing,no bubble soap liquid in sight .One could hear the sound of reverberating strings as they popped. We all knew he was making that sound with his voice,but It was still amazing. He would also curl up his tie by pulling a secret string with a vocal slide whistle sound effect that was also funny."

Wooden Thomas is by no stretch of the Imagination a legend,in fact ,practically no one has ever heard of him. But back in the early 1900's Everyone knew Wooden Thomas,"He used to play piano on his teeth using his fingers"93 year Vaudeville vet, Belinda Cantrall recalls."We all knew he was making the piano sounds with his voice ,but it was amazing any way"

Everyone back then in the Vaudville tradition would pay the performers by giving them cats! Cat's were a form of currency especially when rewarding an entertainer.To show their appreciation people would just give the performer a cat. So you see Wooden Thomas got a lot of pussy in those days,but things have certainly changed.

The last they saw of the folk artist, before he went into his cryogenic state for 71 years was in 1919. This was a well noted incident where he was challenged by a wager of five dollars in Nicholls that he could snort an entire piano up his nose.A crowd gathered,Thomas drunkenly put his nose on a grand piano and made a snorting sound that sounded like a saw for about 30 seconds (timing was everything back then) and then he just ran out the frount door not to return.

Upon being released from his suspended animation circa 1991 Sir Wooden was a zombie.Drueling all over the place like Frankenstein. Some say his existence at this time was elusive not unlike the yetti. Therefore only eyewitness accounts shared through an oral grapevine nodded to his existence.

But parts of the world were abuzz,That a strange man from another time was among us even though he was in an ill manor.

A young girl from Rural Scotland said she once saw the Wooden Thomas picking flowers beside Loch Ness on a clear blue day. After running to tell her Pa Pa ,she was then scolded for telling the tall fib and sent to her cabin chamber with out any collard greens or potato leek soup.

The recording artist Wooden Thomas was born in the Pine Barrens of Southern New Jersey sometime in the late 1860's. According to the song "Compass (Let your heart be your)" "Those were the days when victorian tea parties on drizzily afternoons were all thrown out the window like some nonproverbial alarm clock just to see time fly. This musician was and still is gifted and blessed by the Muses. Although medical records of his birth show that he was born without a scense of melody, timing, or ryhthm. The wooden boy was raised by an angelic village of doting mothers,who are said to have fed the young Tom on a steady diet of soymilk Ovaltine falafal and spicey stuffed mushrooms.

His interest in music was aparent at the age of 6 1/2 mounths ,when young Tom started banging on things."Yep,Tom could bang on pots 'n pans forever,then he's git a hold of the Cat and bang on it,sometimes trying to bang two cats together,he was always so horny"Said a man claiming to be one of his many uncles.

There is hardly a comparison with Wooden Thomas to Pinochio at all,except to say that they are both said to be made of wood,one of them biologicly and the other one mentally. Unlike Pinochio ,Wooden Thomas is neither Italian or homosexual. The only other comparison to Pinochio is that there seems to be a cricket in the life of the young Thomas. A cricket of conscience. A conscience that helped steer the boy right when misadventures and shananegans would see him wound up in the dog house. The Cricket in question "Jim Bob" is alive today,we reached him for a comment but alas he is deaf.So,he could'nt hear any of our questions so we got frustrated and left.

Our Quest for knowlege about the folk artist lead us down many other dead ends. We've heard many stories of the Wooden Thomas that did'nt include any insects at all. Like that of a journey W.Thomas embarked upon,-some say em-meowed upon-one Christmas Eve up a mountain in search of a sound he heard and never found.

To this day there are cults of people and animals who know of ,follow and even worship wooden graven images.Only one of these is known to worship the Wooden Thomas.A brotherhood of monks who learned of the recording artist when a falcon came to the window of their stone monastery in a scene not unlike one from a Harry Potter book.

The falcon with scrolled sacred parchment in foot cackled in the morning sun.

These events were also recorded in the lyric for "Compass(Let your heart be your)"which is included on the new Wooden Thomas album on the Popular CD format !You might even be holding said album in your hands or in your mind or out the window over a dumpster over a parking lot below as you read this!

The Album is copywriten in the year 4 . and it is called "Age of Aquarium" It was recorded by J.Z. Barrell at his Nest Studio home in Brooklyn New York starting Mid January through to Mid April in the year 4.

It was then compiled and mixed in May at Just Add Water in New York , New York by J.Z. And Wooden.

It features 16 lyrical masterpieces as well as some exclusive candid recordings of a beautiful woman talking in her sleep! Gwynne Duncan and Alec Stephen both of the undergroundfolk rock sensation ,the Pantographs, join Wooden Thomas on three songs "Wagon to Mars","Siamese",and "Somniloquy" On The later mentioned song Alec plays some Whirlizter piano!

Local Hipster Ryan Thompson is playing percussion on four of these recordings,the opener "Palms of Hoops" "Monkey Chow Mein","I am Not A Masochist Blues" as well as the closer "Sploink". Princess of the Planet Rubulad herself Sari Rubinstien sings along on "Nair Do Well" in which she encourages Wooden to stay his ground and never let anyone put him down . That is very important. Both J.Z. and Alec play rhthym section for the songs "Anaconda"and Napoleon was a Midget" J.Z. Played percussion on "Standing in the Ivy" and wine glasses on "Nair Do Well"

And Last but not least ,That is the sleeping Barbara Ross on "Somniloquy"She and her subconscious mind get full lyrical credit For her wonderful Sleep Talking!

Apologies to Chloe Sevigni for the mispronunciation of her name in "Standing in the Ivy"

Thanks to Bill Bniblet McGuire for single handedly putting Wooden Thomas on the World Wide Web. WOODENTHOMAS.COM Please ALSO visit You'll dig it!

More Thanks to Wm. Berger for his personal Biography of Wooden Thomas included in this booklet.



-From "Suburban Daylight" A.o.A.



"Rock and Roll is that few seconds between the lightning and the thunder"

-Amy Shapiro