Below are the four known Biography shorts written about Wooden Thomas
Written by four different authors, the second being Andrew Loog Oldham whobreifly introduces W.T. to all the spring chickens whom have missed out thus far.
It is not known who the author of the first bio is, but it nontheless follows:
Born to a cranberry farmer, in a cranberry bog, in South Jersey, father unknown, although he is believed to be T.J.K. Haywood, who escaped a mental facility in 1969 to join the Coast Guard, which he also fled.This underwater birth in the Pine Barrens to a very sexy mama, not looking unlike Sheryl Crow, produced this folk singer, Wooden Thomas.The musician claims that a bicycle accident on May 4th, 1990 resulted in his entire body being turned into wood.He cannot speak much English or any other language, but loves to write and record his "songs" on a 4-track recorder.
-Found and Printed from a now defunt angelfile website,circa 1999
THE WOODEN THOMAS IS MORE THAN JUST A FOLK ARTIST-HE IS A WAY OF LIFE.A WAY OF LIFE THAT HAS CAPTURED THE IMAGINATIONSOF ENGLAND'S TEENAGERS,AND MADE HIM ONE OF THE MOST SOUGHT AFTER GOOFBALLS IN NON-BEATDOM.
fOR THE WOODEN THOMAS HAS HIS FINGERS ON THE PULSE OF THE BASIC PREMICE OF "POP"MUSIC SUCCESS-THAT IT'S PUBLIC BUYS SOUND,AND THE SOUND IS WHAT HE GIVES YOU WITH THIS,HIS 8TH ALBUM.;A RAW EXCITING BASIC APOACH TO SUREALISTIC FOLK MUSIC WHICH,BLENDED WITH HIS FIVE OWN EXPLOSIVE CHARACTORS ,HAS GIVEN HIM THREE SMASH HITS AND AN E.P.THAT STAYED IN THE SINGLES CHARTS FOR FIFTEEN WEEKS.
IN THE EIGHT MONTHS SCINCE THE WOODEN THOMAS EMBARKED,OR EM-MEOWED ON HIS POP CAREER,HE HAS NOT ONLY CHALKED UP MAJORCHART SUCCESSES,BUT SMASHED ATTENDANCE RECORDS ON TOURS THE LENGTH AND BREADTH OF THE COUNTRY.HE HAS EMERGED AS FIVE WELL ROUNDED INTELLIGENT TALENTS,WHO WILL JOUNEY SUCCESSFULLYFAR BEYOND THE REALMS OF POP MUSIC.AND IN THIS ALBUM THERE ARE TWELVE GOOD REASONS WHY.
-Andrew Loog Oldham.
This long playing record may be played on any phonograph that is designed for micro groove recordings 33 1/3 rpm.This record will play monaurally on all phonographs including those designed or adapted to play stereophonic records.On stereophonic equipment,the monaural sound obtained by the utilisation of multiple channels will greatly enhance your listening pleasure and keep your grandmother out of the room for quite a spell if you so wish.
And then Wm. Berger of Uncle Wiggly and former host of radio's "Lo-Fi"show on WFMU writes a first person acount.
Andrew Loog Oldham wrote most of this.It was adapted from the Rolling Stones First release ENGLANDS NEWEST HITMAKERS (1964)for the back cover of the foreth coming album "Age Of Aquarium"by Wooden Thomas (2004).
Wooden Thomas is the genuine article, the first and the last, a true genius artist.
I can’t listen to my Wooden Thomas cassettes too often because they suck me in like a whirlpool. His style is so unique and true to itself, without a hint of novelty. This is Outsider Art as it was intended. Slurry poetry on a delicate sea of molasses.
I met the young man who later became Wooden in 198? at the Lismar Lounge in NYC. I was hosting a live music event for a group of home-tapers I had been featuring on my radio show on WFMU, as part of a segment called “Lo-Fi” (and I will swear to my grave that I was the first person in the country to use that term in its current context). His group was not performing that night, but The Modern Day Carpetbaggers, as they were known, we there in full force (3 cousins!), and had previously sent me a tape of inspired original songs that I was extremely impressed with. Three cousins in a basement on Easter, or Thanksgiving, or just a Sunday, making up songs on rough acoustic guitars and pick up percussion. Not that uncommon in raw concept, but the songs were good: great lyrics, funny and catchy. I went home that night with a gloriously hand painted Modern Day Carpetbaggers t-shirt encrusted with oils, which I still have. The artist and I were to become good friends.
A relationship of several years ensued, including live on-air performances, more tapes, and a deepening friendship between myself and the one then called TJ.
Jump ahead many years and many beers and several girlfriends later (for both of us), this TJ fella goes through some stuff, and comes out the other end as Wooden Thomas, living in a funky apartment in a quiet suburban NJ town, an artist’s hovel, armed with a four-track.. Well he’s lived some life, and written a lot of great lyrics—and has this room, in the attic with the low, a-frame ceiling (was it an a-frame?) and the pictures of girls everywhere: not naked really, but pushing lawnmowers, wearing bikinis and talking or thinking about how much they wanted him.
Subconscious Garage Sale indeed.
Listen to your tape and no, it’s not running slow.
This is the language, the music.
In another’s words:
“It's believed Wooden Thomas was born at some time around the year 1969. The location of the birth seems to be the matter of some question, but all agree it was somewhere in the south of New Jersey, probably in the Pine Barrens.”
But these are just facts?
I will put on a tape and get back to you.
Part Tim Buckley, part of the uncelebrated (unique box sets go unappreciated), part Mikami Kan, but he doesn’t know all of this. But where does the line between original and deliberate lie? Safely away. If this were recorded in upstate New York in 1969, and Ecstatic Peace! had reissued it, you’d be all over his personal nature.
This one, Precious Missing (2002) has tinkling piano placed just right on several songs, and strange hovering background noises and tape effects. “Mary in Egypt” is as good as anything on Side 2 of Bringing It All Back Home (right at this moment that I’m hearing it.)
This is a rainy NJ afternoon, long after noon, and I just made a trip out to the liquor store.
But I will tell you a story of Wooden Thomas, one several sources of varying credibility have confirmed as true:
There was no sun that day. It was there, but imprisoned by a dirty sheet of wool.
That girl he liked might be at the library.
"This may not interest you now, but it's likely to later. The important thing is to keep reading. Thomas Kiernan became wooden on May 4th, 1990 as the result of a bicycle accident. The exact nature of the accident is shrouded in mutiplicity, much as one might expect might happen if the time dimension were so precisely intersected by something so diffuse and so w00den. Some even go so far as to postulate that the w00den guy turned into wood in the past -BEFORE- the accident and is not w00den now, but, as it turns out, ducks usually follow and quack at them, so they are seldom, if ever, taken seriously."
This bicycle accident – where was I?
Likely not paying enough attention. To my friend TJ.
I’m just remembering that I met him once at a strange home in Brooklyn, where a curious fellow had a messy table and made me a Psychic TV compilation cassette, which I still have.
These are the kinds of moments that one has (with the one oh now so Wooden).
It (he) was all leading up to this.
A shape formed. The face defined and deepened, as did the man inside. I can see it, his enhanced focus, all very calm, but deliberate and sure. And at least a large part of it is this “Wooden Thomas thing,” as I am now calling it. He finally knows who he is. Or at least he’s grown comfortable with the path of discovery.
Have I really told you anything?
Followed by "Who is this Wooden Guy Anywhey"by Bil Bniblet of Twilightheadquarters.com
Few facts are known about this enigmatic creature. A few whisperedrumors circulate about him being in league with the Yeti and the Abominable Snowman,but most are easily discounted due to eyewitness accounts from reliable psychics remote-viewing thomas (yes, none other than the wooden guy himself!), planting dandelions with Nessie on a clear blue day. Several things are still assumed true, that is, they havenever been discounted as of yet.
It's believed Wooden Thomas was born at some time around the year 1969. The location ofthe birth seems to be the matter of some question, but all agree it was somewhere in thesouth of New Jersey, probably in the Pine Barrens.
One thing that people noticed, and from which they derived hours of amusement, was that at the age of 6½ months w00den began banging on anything available. pots, pans, people,cats... People were mostly amused with the cats, as they contributed to the auraldisplay in a humorous manner. Usually he used sticks, but was as apt to use just whatever was handy. tootsie rolls, cacti, and whatnot. There is actually a written account somewhereof the time w00den hit a cat with another cat! I wish I could remember where I left it.
One mystery is that of the mother of w00den. Some imply that his mother isn't actually his mother at all. One wonders how it is that someone could indeed not be herself,but then, they think of a funny thing that happened the other day and get distractedand forget all about it til the next time.
Wooden Thomas was raised by an anonymous woman who looked similar to but not exactly like Sheryl Crow. One day, little w00den was playing with the crickets in the sand. Someone quavered his antennae and then w00den and almost all the other crickets stopped what they were doing and peered over the dry grass to see her picking berries and milking her own breasts into a 2 liter ginger ale bottle at the edge of the wild Barrens. She immediately knew they were watching and smiled to herself. About 34 minutes later,she rose, wiping a drop from the edge of her nipple. She turned and shouted somethingno one could understand in a joyful tone, raising her basket full of berries appealingly. Then she sauntered off into the depths of the woods, never to be seen again by w00den or any of the crickets. One cricket actually remains alive since that encounter, but he's deaf, so when we went to visit him he couldn't hear any of our questions, and then we got frustrated and left.
In the mountains, an important event took place which may explain a few things and answera question or two. Then again, it mayn't. It seems W.T., as he is affectionately referredto in some social circles, was traversing some mountains on an important journey when he decided to rest and relax for a couple of years. He built a comfortable shelter out of some rat leaves but found himself eventually discovered ...and bitten... by a large, angry, and potentially dangerous Wild Turkey! HO HO HO says the Turkey. LOOK EE HERE! UR ON MY TERRITORY BUD SOSTEP OFF B4 I BITE YOU A NEW HOLE TO SEE OUT OF! wt was not afraid. He said the onething he knew to say in Turkish, which was loosely translatable as "Turn the red blimp to the left!". However the Turkey misunderstood this and thought he heard "I need to return this guitar to my Uncle who has no arms and play it for him so that he can hear how it sounds!" to which the Turkey replied HO HO HUM HMMMM WELL THEN SMALL BOY,YOU MAY STAY HERE THE NIGHT JUST AS LONG AS YOU REMEMBER TO PLAY THAT GUITAR YOUR WAY AND NO ONE ELSE'S! AND IF YOU'RE STILL HERE TOMORROW NIGHT, I BITE YOU AGAIN! BRAAAAAK!As the Turkey lumbered off, the w00den guy thought over what the Turkey had just said.PLAY THAT GUITAR YOUR WAY AND NO ONE ELSE'S in a deep booming voice reverberatedthrough the nightmares of many small children in Switzerland that evening. This made WT realize that it was no coincidence. He resolved to obtain and learn to play a guitar as soon and as quickly as possible. The next night, the Turkey never returned. Several weeks later, W00den continued his journey.
An EXACT DATE of an event in the life of wooden thomas has revealed itself to our prying eyes. This in itself is very interesting, because the nature of w00den is so inexact as to not intersect the time continuum neatly enough to land on a certain 'date' except under extremely unusual circumstances. This may not interest you now, but it's likey to later. The important thing is to keep reading. Thomas Kiernan became wooden on May 4th, 1990 as the result of a bicycle accident. The exact nature of the accident is shrouded in mutiplicity, much as one might expect might happen if the time dimension were so precisely intersected by something so diffuse and so w00den. Some even go so far as to postulate that the w00den guy turned into wood in the past -BEFORE- the accident and is not w00den now, but, as it turns out, ducks usually follow and quack at them, so they are seldom, if ever, taken seriously.
Caspar Milktoast, our correspondent in Hong Kong, claims to have received a scroll of parchment delivered by falcon to the office window of his converted steeple. It was wrapped in a gold ribbon, which Caspar immediately sold. Then the parchment was quickly almost devoured by a raging fire which originated somewhere in Caspar's fax machine. I say 'almost' because a small piece was rescued by a firewoman who had studied some English and knew the importance of the secrets thereon.
6.He is a member of the Pagan religeon scince birth.
That is why he doesnt need to join the Pagan /Wicca
religeon.nature is not human.Human nature is the same
as terrestrial zen .
We know this is an important clue and a chilling testimony as to what becomes of one so rash as to so horribly mistreat a message delivered by falcon. Poor Caspar is still searching for a new toupee that will cover his horribly scarred forehead!
There are cults of people and animals who know of, follow, and maybe even worship the 'wooden god' but he doen't know who they are and doesn't care, even when he turns around and sees that they are following him.